Now there’s irony in what you are about to read, maybe in about what I am about to write…but…hear me out. The past 10 – days I have been on a very insular experience which, in fact, starved me of all the external forms of physical connection; with the only connection to the ‘outside world’ being my own thoughts, or later as I learned, my own misery, my own suffering and eventually my own peace. We were invited to treat the experience as we were there by ourselves. Vipassana is an ancient ‘Pali’ word referring to the practice of ‘observation’, Vipassana is also a non – sectarian practice where you are immersed in observing the depth of yourself. Now, I know there will be those who refer to last month’s blog and my pleas of connection, but, if you can, stay with me. This one’s important.
The vows were ‘simple’ (yet profoundly effective), noble silence at all times, no phones, no writing, no reading, no physical contact, no gestures, 11 hours (ish) ‘sitting’ (meditating), some food, some time for sleep and a little walk here and there AND plenty of time for thinking. Prior to attending, I knew I was in for an experience, but wanting to immerse myself without expectations, without a plan or some hack to get me through, I showed up with as much purity as I could. Confidently nervous, I had been through tough times, a seasoned peaceful warrior, done the work on myself that I could get through.
I will turn 40 this year, and, with the greatest respect to the 40 years which have passed, this, has been by far, one of the most profoundly challenging yet awakening 10 days of my life.
I thought I was aware of the depths of my mind. I thought I was living peacefully, harmoniously with purity. I wasn’t. I thought I could ‘sit’. I couldn’t. I thought I was balanced in my equanimity of the world. I was not; I am not yet. There is work to be done. Every day, I will be working for me, for you, for all.
Many things coiled throughout my helpless mind…whether it was relationships, work, family, friends, clients cocktailed with a pendulum of emotions, thoughts, feelings which push, pulled, poked, plucked at me every day. Noisy. Painful. Necessary.
Eventually, a beautiful peace was found, a momentary nirvanic peace which was shared with 89 strangers, who, for the first 8-9 days I had assumed were all ignorant (given the lack of hellos and zero holding the door for others). Day 10. I sat (upright and tall like the teacher told us too) and balled my eyes out, uncontrollably and proudly with a renewed deep understanding and compassion for myself, the people close to me, and the world around me.
I had a blog prepared this month, which I was meant to send before my journey, but, turns out, preparing for 10 – days away from all the roles in my life takes more time that it should. In moments, I imagined myself as some sort of energetical octopus, sucked into different projects, different aspects of life, and at times searching for a 9th arm.
So, as I write to you today, I do so with a pure mind, which has not yet exposed itself to the external energies that I so often get stuck to (my own doing). And, what do I have to share with you all? What of my experience can stick with you……
POSTURE!
Turns out, sitting, by myself, is hard, but not impossible.
Like I said, I thought I could sit, I couldn’t. By day 3 it felt like there were 2 finely sharpened knives plucked into my back (right between my 11th and 12th ribs – yes I had time to count the exact location).
For years (and years), I have written postural goals for others, when I should have been writing my own.
‘I will activate and maintain an upright posture for 60 minutes, with full attention to the teacher and not open my eyes once, nor move a muscle in my body’ (sound familiar)
Well…I managed it, with hard work, with pain, with acceptance, with love with detaching from sensation and building equanimity within my body. It took an OT brain, days of reshuffling the ergonomics of my seat to invite biomechanically friendly angles for my knees and hips. Epiphanies of creating knee pads with rolled up towels and stacking 2-3 small cushions (neatly with the firmest at the bottom). Like a King I was. Then, to letting it all go as the strength in my body and mind aligned to detach from the non – pleasurable (and pleasurable) sensations and embrace the work. To later, observing the success with a gently humble and noble smile.
A simple story was shared:
A mother sends her young son to the local grocery store to buy cooking oil. She gives him an empty bottle and a ten-rupee note. He buys the oil and has the bottle filled. On his way back, out of carelessness he falls, drops the bottle, and spills half the oil. Picking up the half-empty bottle, he comes home crying: ‘Oh, mother, I lost half the oil! I lost half the oil!’ A very pessimistic boy.
The mother sends another son, with another empty bottle and another ten-rupee note. He also buys the oil, and has the bottle filled. He also falls, drops the bottle, and spills half the oil. This boy picks up the bottle and goes to his mother, happy and smiling: ‘Look! I saved half the oil! I fell down so the bottle might have broken and I might have lost all the oil. Look, half the oil is saved!’
It is the same situation, but each boy has responded quite differently. One boy is pessimistic, crying that his bottle is half empty. The other boy is optimistic, happy that at least his bottle is still half full.
The mother sends a third son. He also falls, drops the bottle, and spills half the oil. Like the second boy, he comes smiling, saying: ‘I saved half the oil.’
But this boy is different. He is not only optimistic, but also realistic: ‘The truth is that I have lost half the oil; my bottle is half-empty.’ He is not only realistic, but also a real worker. He decides to work hard and earn five rupees to fill the bottle by the evening.
You see, as I ‘sit’ here today. I am optimistic. But, optimism alone is not enough. The value is in the duality of optimism and workism. A good seat will only get us so far, but then without that, we will fall into old habits again.
Awareness is paramount for our sensational experience and our actions or non – actions towards or away from the experience. From here we can apply the workism to build new, sustainable habits in this life.
120 minutes of meditation each day will create awareness, will allow reflection will deepen my understanding of myself and provide a platform for a fulfilling life. But it is the work outside of that which matters, showing up with truth, with awareness and compassion for others no matter what the sensation.
What habits can you commit to outside of the weekly 50 Minutes OT session?
Written By
David Hedley